Fleeing home to the safety of our nest and the 3 small people I was aching to hold, our feeling was, What Now.
What Next.
How can we fix this in 3 weeks?
I was super positive, having spent years learning the teachings of Louise Hay, Brandon Bays and so many others who had cured themselves of cancer and other dis-ease.
But also, being a realist with an analytic nature I knew this was a big ask, and a very short space of time, and that the stage Chris was in this dis-ease, we did not have much leeway.
I had to be honest with myself too.
I say We, but the problem lies in his body.
My positive thinking and choices of healing modalities and lifestyle changes mean a lot less than Chris’.
As luck would have it, I have married a wizard, he has such a powerful positive attitude. He has manifested just about everything he set his mind too.
He told me years ago when he saw an old school friend and she heard about the kind of girlfriend Chris had she had said, ‘I never expected you to be with a hippy chick.’
He replied, ‘I always liked the hippy chicks, they just didn’t like me.’
I also have told him that though we were at schools with a very similar ethos who competed against each other, I am glad we never met at school.
He was the sporty golden boy (jock) that I would not have trusted.
So here we were, very much a We in this journey and yet, I felt powerless to make any real change, I was just the support team.
Now my head knows this is a vital role, and I know he needs and values me for it.
But my heart was breaking.
I am a healer, I am a fixer, I am a teacher, An effect-er of change!
Now I am a stander in the wings…
I F#@*ING hate it!
Oh, marvellous some of my old friends have come to visit
Worthlessness
Guilt
Shame
Who invited them to the party?
Well…me.
So, I wallowed in the mud with my old besties for a bit.
I felt really shit.
I was glad they came to visit though, it was just the reminder I needed.
There was a good reason I had spent years putting distance between us, silencing their voices.
Unlike the friends that even after years of no contact you pick up where you left off and after a visit are glowing with the gifts left by Playfulness, Excitement and Mischief.
I really should have those girls to visit more, I just love them.
Instead as my body made a sucking noise while I pulled her out of the mud I was left with a caked layer of Worthlessness, Guilt and Shame.
And even though Fear had joined the party I rinsed off the mud and made a call to my new friends.
The ones I have been putting in the time with. These girls would pull me through, I just knew it.
When the doorbell rang it was Compassion.
Before I knew it, she had wrapped me in her arms and her tears and mine, washed away any residual energy from Worthlessness, Guilt and Shame.
She didn’t have to say a word.
We were still hugging and crying when Authenticity arrived.
‘Hey hun, this sure is a shitty hand, but you guys would never have gotten it if you were not up for the challenge. I believe in you. I know how strong and kind you are.’
There is something magical about this girl, when she talks you know in every cell of your body that she speaks the truth.
As I thanked Authenticity, Joy burst into the room.
I burst out laughing.
It’s always this way with Joy. She either bursts in all goofy and golden or she seems to swell into the room and you notice her because there is suddenly no room in the room for anything but Joy.
I was feeling so much better already.
My phone rang.
‘Hi, it’s Wisdom. I just called to say I love you, and I was going to come, but I don’t think its wisdom you need now. Compassion, Authenticity and Joy are the perfect friends for you at the moment. Remember I am here whenever you need me.’
As we rang off my heart felt so full. Wisdom deserves her name. It is a time to feel, not to get philosophical, not to plan and unknown future.
A time to feel what I feel and be supported by the right friends as I process this cataclysmic event.
Tomorrow I will give Wisdom a call for some advice.
With a box of tissues Compassion, Authenticity, Joy and I binge watched Friends.
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